Dragging August 17, 2008

I finally came back to Los Angeles and have felt a disconnect with the situations, the people and the environment around me.  I’m struggling to get back on my feet and to see the bright side of my situation, but the worst part is, I am getting angry and hurting the people around me.  I don’t understand why I am doing this; perhpas it is the reverse culture shock, perhaps it is the stress of graduate school and living.  All I need is time, space and someone to hug me.  I miss you guys so much: Panda, E, Jess, Lynn, Freddo, Janet, Karen, Taneque, Daniel.  I need you guys now. 

Time Machine
by Mayday

The play is over, you can see the place filled with empty seats, the lights come back on
This story’s circumstances seem to be real and seem like an illusion
It’s just that it can be so difficult to convince oneself,
It takes advantage of and can’t reject the assault of remorse and anger

So remorseful, so broken-hearted, I want to start over, is that alright?
Just one time, I can’t go toward this kind of ending
So remorseful, so broken-hearted, who can help me go back
I’d give up everything I have for a time machine

Sayonara July 8, 2008

When people ask me what I can say about working in Japan as an English teacher, the first thing that I think is 90 degree bowing skills. Although I have not perfected that art just yet, I am skilled at 1 degree bowing, which is when people pull over someone’s parking lot just so you can drive through the tiny road that fits only one vehicle at a time. Or the 5 degree bow, which is the one that you give to those that say “ohayo gozaimasu” to you but you have no remote idea of who they are. But the real skill that I’m becoming a master of is the 30 degree bow, which I reserve only for people that have gone out of the way to help me.

It seems ridiculous that I would start a post about gradient bows but I think I need this humor to bring me out of the fact that I will have to say “sayonara”, or goodbye, to everyone I’ve met these past two years. I need something to alleviate the solitude and the pain that will come from having to say farewell and not “see you later”.

My tenure with the JET Programme will come to an end in 22 days. That also means that I will have to leave the people and the students behind, never knowing what would become of them. Maybe I’ll stay in touch with some of my teachers, maybe time would affect our relationship, maybe I’ll come back to visit. This country, despite the language barriers and the bureaucracy, has given me many opportunities to grow and to learn. Yes, I’ve messed up so many times, like the time that I was supposed to get to a speech contest at 8am and ended up 30 minutes late. Or that time that I crashed my car against the mountain and called my supervisor to help me. There were so many times that I wanted to quit, pack my bags, and go back home (wherever that is). But I stuck through it, at times listlessly, at times with a stubborness that only a mule could have.

It’s beginning to sink in. I don’t know if the friendships that I’ve made here are going to continue on strongly, but I know that our circumstances brought us together and that our similarities have helped us bond at an incomparable level.

I want to post personal thank yous to the people that have made my experiences in Japan possible. It will take me a while to blog my thoughts about my friends and students, but I will try to summarize these two years in pictures so you can see how I feel. Soon, that will be soon.

I leave you with “Little Love Song” by sodagreen, 2008 Best Band winners-Taiwanese Golden Melody Awards. This is a love song to all the people I’ve met, worked, traveled and loved in Japan.

There is still something left July 4, 2008

I don’t know what to feel or how to feel. I blame myself for not being more understanding. Gandhi says that once you start having suspicions about a person’s motive then everything that person does is tainted. Perhaps it was because of this thought that made me wary again. I am selfish, selfish of my time and of my space. I try to place myself in that person’s shoes - what if my social life depended on other people’s help? It’s so hard to transcribe myself into that role but I have to try. That way I will not alienate her. But I can’t help but feel resentment. Can you make a concerted effort at understanding my predicament? You have time in your hands, you don’t worry about maintaining a car, you don’t have to worry about paying for your

education, you don’t have to move back, you don’t have to worry about finding a job, you don’t have to worry about being too tired when you drive, you don’t have to worry about rising gas prices, you don’t have to worry about planning.  You don’t have to worry about those things but you assume I don’t have to, either.  And when you call and I say no, can you put yourself in my shoes and understand why I refuse?

Perhaps I am trying to look at what good is left in you because now, all you do, is tainted. I want to understand and be in your position. What little sincerity you can muster… perhaps even that, I won’t even accept because I’ll consider it fake. I have to remove myself from you because I still believe that I will see you as a friend, that you are friend. I have to put myself in your shoes and understand your issues, too. Because that’s the only way that I’ll be able to preserve the friendship that I hope we have.

Calm but tumultous. I’m fine. June 28, 2008

It’s raining. Even though the days are longer and the warmth lingers, I cannot help but feel a quiet, painful stirring. I don’t know and I don’t understand why.

Maybe it’s that time again when I feel the need to retreat, when I feel that I don’t have much time to rest, that I crave that solitude to get me closer to myself again. I feel that that the new people around me, the current situations, the social life, have forced me once again to look at my behavior and my attitude. What makes me me? Who am I through your eyes? Why can’t I or you be the one?

Have I erred in any way? Or it’s just the circumstances? It’s a kind of pride to think that I will always be righteous, that I am not held accountable for my life, because I feel that I am not susceptible to flaws. But I laugh at myself, laugh at how stupid I am, because that’s the only thing I can do.  I do the same things over again, like a rerun on the TV set.

“Even if love breaks me down again, I’ll take the pain, it’s a kind of pride
誰讓我擁抱 誰讓我 瘋狂的心跳“

I don’t know and I don’t understand why it has to be her. I don’t understand what I’ve done wrong or what I haven’t done? Will I always play the supporting role? I just don’t understand; where have I erred? What did I miss? What did I do? What did I didn’t do?

“There will be someone, a new happiness
一定會有一個人 一段新的美好”

Sometimes, I see my life playing itself like a music video, with some sappy “you can do it” song playing over my life. These people sing of new loves, of break-ups, of friendships. Who will write a song about unrequited affections? Who will write a song that will mirror my frustrations and my failures?

“I’m fine now, I can start over again
我 現在很好 可以重新起跑”

Quotes from Rene Liu’s “I’m Fine” album, from “I’m Fine” Track 1

Salted Fish May 20, 2008

I haven’t realized how long I haven’t posted. It’s been far too long and I think an update, pictures and music are in order. But first things first -

My recent trip to Hong Kong brought me back to one of Mayday’s old albums. It was not the one I wanted to buy but because I wanted to get acquainted to their original Taiwanese power ballad style that they lost somewhere after Born To Love came out, I took the risk and purchased Viva Love. Most of the songs I am already familiar with because I have their last compilation album, but listening to it helps revive some of the songs that I never paid attention to. The songs are raw, and by that I mean the lack of accouterments that accompany their last album. There is no large-scale orchestral backing and a lot of mixing involved- just your guitars, bass, drums and vocals. And that’s what I love about this album.

The song that I want to highlight today comes at an opportune moment. I have been doubting my abilities for the last months because I will be going back to graduate school and I don’t know if I’m cut for it. I am afraid of what will lie ahead of me. But if I believe, there’s no discouraging me. Thank you Mayday and Ashin, for making me believe.

憨人 Fool

我的心內感覺　人生的沈重　不敢來振動
我不是好子　嘛不是歹人　我只是愛眠夢
我不願隨浪隨風　飄浪西東　親像船無港
我不願做人　奸巧鑽縫　甘願來作憨人

我不是頭腦空空　我不是一隻米蟲
人啊人　一世人　要安怎歡喜　過春夏秋冬

我有我的路　有我的夢
夢中的那個世界　甘講伊是一場空
我走過的路　只有希望
希望你我講過的話　放在心肝內　總有一天

看到滿天全金條　要煞無半項　環境來戲弄
背景無夠強　天才無夠弄　逐項是攏輸人
只好看破這虛華　不怕路歹行　不怕大雨淋
心上一字敢　面對我的夢　甘願來作憨人

In my heart I feel how much seriousness there is in life, I don’t dare touch it
I’m not a good person, but I’m also not a bad person, I’m just someone who loves to dream
I’m not willing to float with the tide, like a drifting boat that cannot find a harbor
I don’t want to be a devious opportunist, I’d rather be a fool

It’s not that my head is empty, it’s not that I’m useless,
People, oh! A lifetime is so long, how can we happily pass the years

I have my road, I have my dreams
Is it possible the world of my dreams is just an illusion?
On the road that I’ve traveled, I only have hope
Hope that all we’ve talked about is in our hearts, believing one day it will all come true

Seeing gold dance through the sky, I reach out for it but grasp nothing, it’s like fate mocking me
My background’s not good enough, my talent’s not used enough, in everything I lose to other people
I’d best see through all this false splendor, I’m unafraid of how difficult the road ahead may be,
and unafraid of being drenched in the rain
On my heart, there is one word: daring, when confronting my dreams, I’m willing to be a fool

This translation is made possible by One Day in May.