You will never get hurt if you have no expectations, so if I am hurt and disappointed then that means I did have expectations. My tolerance is waning and I think the trivialities are just adding up into more disappointments. I’d rather be alone.
How I dream February 22, 2009
What it takes is only a little inspiration and freedom to dream.
“We do not stop playing because we grow old. We grow old because we stop playing.”
There’s more out there. Carpe diem.
The clock ticks but there’s no sound August 28, 2008
I came back to L.A. from Japan. And after two years of having lived a life that, in conclusion, was a dream, I am encountering a million questions about my path in life and about what will become of me.
I thought it would be nice make my top 20 list of the things that I have missed from Japan, as a reminder of why I loved that country so much, before I delve into deeper tasks. Former JETs and expatriates can agree on me with this list (or not):
- Superb customer service
- Cheap sushi and sashimi
- My friends
- Onsen (hot springs)
- 500-yen coins
- Hirayama-sensei, Sakamoto-sensei, Uno-sensei, Naito-sensei, Tanaka-sensei, Endo-sensei, Uchida-sensei, Kitta-sensei, Gomi-sensei
- Gothic Lolitas
- Beautiful and mysterious bentos (lunchboxes)
- Cherry blossom season
- Festivals
- Summer fireworks
- Public transportation in Tokyo
- 100-yen shops
- Five-toed socks in cute colors and designs
- Realiable email capability in my phone
- Random free taiko/ikebana/tea ceremony/other Japanese cultural exhibition in town
- School Sports Day
- School Culture Festivals
- Taking your shoes off before getting into the house
- Million-flavored Chu-Hi and Ume-shu (Japanese alcohol)
And even though it’s only been three weeks since I left, it feels like a year already. The people that I left behind will change and I will change. The people that I come back have changed. Despite that, I am blessed to have them in my life because they, despite the differences, have made their best to help me adjust.
This week I started my classes for the Postsecondary Administration and Student Affairs Program at the Rossier School of Education at USC. Being a graduate student at my alma mater is the same as being an undergraduate, yet also different. I am familiar with the campus and with the services, but I am not familiar with the people. I have to readjust to my new role and maybe I am not ready to become a graduate student. It doesn’t help when people come up to you during Involvement Fair and ask you if you are a freshman (LOOK AT ME! I AM GRAD STUDENT! I CAN BE YOUR TEACHING ASSISTANT! I CAN GIVE YOU AN F!).
Up until last week, I was still in vacation mode. I traveled to three countries in the span of two months and that gave me permission to destress and to install a neon sign in my forehead, blinking “OUT” intermittently. And it was during my trip to BC that I saw many issues surfacing. I was avoiding them because I knew they would come and haunt me later. I was being the procrastinator before and trying vehemently to ignore them. But it was in Vancouver that I faced problems that I had clearly avoided – friendships, feelings, spirituality, family, goals.
Before I went to Canada, I went with a clear head. A bit scattered in terms of organization, but nevertheless focused. I came back to L.A. muddled. I can’t coherently explain what happened that made me falter. It felt like I was going for answers but came back with more questions.
The only thing certain in my path now are my studies and my work. It’s not hard to navigate those out, but when I need to find focus in my relationships, I can’t. I thought I had something but in the end, it was wishful thinking. I will miss it.
超人Superman by Mayday
為什麼拯救地球 是那麼容易
為什麼束手無策啊 我和你的愛情
為什麼我能飛天 也能夠遁地
為什麼我卻沒辦法 長驅直入你的心
Why is saving the world so easy
Why do I feel so helpless when it comes to our love
Why can I fly to the heavens, and can flee the earth,
But why is there no way for me to drive deep into your heart
Dragging August 17, 2008
I finally came back to Los Angeles and have felt a disconnect with the situations, the people and the environment around me. I’m struggling to get back on my feet and to see the bright side of my situation, but the worst part is, I am getting angry and hurting the people around me. I don’t understand why I am doing this; perhpas it is the reverse culture shock, perhaps it is the stress of graduate school and living. All I need is time, space and someone to hug me. I miss you guys so much: Panda, E, Jess, Lynn, Freddo, Janet, Karen, Taneque, Daniel. I need you guys now.
Time Machine
by Mayday
The play is over, you can see the place filled with empty seats, the lights come back on
This story’s circumstances seem to be real and seem like an illusion
It’s just that it can be so difficult to convince oneself,
It takes advantage of and can’t reject the assault of remorse and anger
So remorseful, so broken-hearted, I want to start over, is that alright?
Just one time, I can’t go toward this kind of ending
So remorseful, so broken-hearted, who can help me go back
I’d give up everything I have for a time machine
