After April 16, 2007

For the first time in my contract, I took out a sick-day.  I’ve been struck down with fever, cough and a terrible runny nose for four days already, and it didn’t help that I kept pushing myself out of my apartment for fear that I might die of boredom. And that’s what worsened my condition.

It’s strange how I remember, almost a year ago, when I was struck with a similar flu, and both my brother and sister also had the same thing.  The three of us were confined to the same apartment, and none of us wanted to get up and cook.  This time around, it felt just like that, only that I didn’t have my sister and my brother to laugh at how high my fever was, or shush each other up because one of us was sleeping.  I remember my sis’s fiancee (now husband), Henry, bringing Hong Kong Cafe take-out because we were too sick to make our own food.  I loved how we all were stuck in the apartment, with no place to go and no strength to do work or homework (or even to turn the TV on).  It was the four of us, sitting at the dinner table, talking about nonsense, and feeling like crap (at least the three of us, not Henry).

I long for what was past.  I miss having snapshots like that, when the three of us would just sit together at a dinner table and talk about nonsense.  I miss my brother and my sister.  I really don’t recall the conversations we used to have when we sat down together for dinner, but I remember how I felt at that time.  I was always rushed, always had something to do.  I never took time to reflect on how blessed I was to be surrounded with people that I loved and that loved me.  Now life is so different a year after.  I miss home because I am so far away from the familiar.

Being alone in Japan has changed me.  It has expanded my world, but at the same time it has made my wishing circle smaller.  Before, I used to want so much.  I wanted a new car, I wanted a new apartment, I wanted new clothes, I wanted wanted wanted.  It’s terrible to feel how wanting materiality makes you forget.  You forget that little things make you happy.  People that you surround yourself with make you happy.

Maybe living an easy and stress-free life in Japan has made me see all that.  It’s so easy to take a minute over here, walk outside, and see how the four seasons changes the landscape.  Why didn’t I ever see that in California?  Maybe because we don’t have the four seasons, but I am sure that the leaves did change colors (or at least the trees were barren).  And then how flowers started appearing here and there when spring arrived.  Why didn’t I see all that?

The snapshot of the three of us sitting at the dinner table, not having any particular conversation at all, just eating dinner, and stuck at home, flashes back to my mind.  Why didn’t I see how much I loved them?  When I was little, I used to want to grow-up.  Now that I am an adult, I don’t wish time to progress.  I want things like they were before, when the three of us could just sit down, have a meal, and talk about nonsense.  Now Shirley is married and has a family of her own to take care, Stanley is struggling to find himself in college, and I am an ocean away from them.  After, what will happen after?

Because I really mean it April 14, 2007

Lately I’ve become someone that I don’t even recognize.  Maybe it’s because I’ve been jamming my weekdays with every possible thing I can do, from taking Japanese lessons to teaching and planning more school lessons to going swimming more often.  But the truth is also overwhelming me and changing me.  Truth is that I’ve fallen out of sorts with some of the people I used to hang-out with.  It’s a terrible feeling knowing that the trust, the understanding and the camaraderie that was once there disappeared overnight.

It all happened after my car accident.  I downplayed it because I didn’t want to scare my parents and also because I knew I could handle it.  The truth was that I couldn’t really handle the stress of being pressured to get a new car without understanding the logistics behind it.  I couldn’t handle the fear that I could’ve been seriously injured.  And I couldn’t juggle sitting at work and pretending that nothing had happened.  I was terribly frightened, and all I wanted to do was to cry and talk to someone.

The accident made me realize things, not only about myself but also about the people I surround myself with.  I remember my sister telling me that your closest friends are usually people that mirror you.  They probably share the same values, the same belief systems, the same interests; that is why you can support each other, whether it be good or bad.

The accident made me realize that the people that were my closest weren’t exactly the ones that supported me.  It’s horrible to use the phrase “show their true colors”.  More appropriately: their hearts weren’t there.  I saw how despite thinking that some were my friends, the same people ended shoving me up in the back-burner.  I try to put myself in their shoes.  What if my friend got into a car accident?  What would I do?  And then I remember how my friends got into accidents before and how I didn’t really make a big fuss out of it.  But then, was I close to them?  Karma exists.

What was interesting was that the people I wasn’t as close to ended up helping me more, whether it be emotionally or technically.  I also have to give big credits to some of my closest friends and my family members for being there for me, too.  Let me try not to mix the bad apples with the good ones, because there were friends who c-mailed/e-mailed/called/or just plain hugged me to make sure I was doing alright.

I try to help people because I really mean it.  Yes, karma is a motivation too, but when doing a good deed, my karma light doesn’t go “bing” instantly.  No, I help because I really mean it.  I want to help people, not only my friends, because I really mean it.   And I also hope that people I cross path with, whether they become my friends or not, will also think the same way.

But the truth is, this isn’t always the norm.  People take advantage of you.  And the most painful thing is knowing that you were treated kindly because you could be of use some day.  Do these people have feelings?  Do they know at all?  Friendships are not about favors that you owe, or favors that you make.  It’s about giving because you mean it, not because you are thinking for a favor in return.  However, we can look at it this way: helping someone and expecting an appreciation in return.  Then wouldn’t this appreciation also mean that you are asking for something in return? Yes and no.  A favor in return is physical, an appreciation is emotional.  You can argue it either way.

Successive collapse April 13, 2007

I enjoy teaching the younger students.  They have this zest to them that is contagious.  They also harbor a number of germs that can easily spread from their tiny hands to their unknowing teachers.  And now I am at work, hoping that I will not collapse because my body aches, I have random chills, my hands and feet are cold, and I am sleepy despite 9 hours of sleep.

What is love? April 12, 2007

I love Calvin and Hobbes.  They give a great explanation of what love really is.  That’s why I’ve had it all mixed up before.

P.S. I’m still not over you April 10, 2007

Last time I talked to him was a month or more ago. And the last time I actually saw him was almost three months ago. It’s incredible how it almost feels surreal.  It feels like I never knew him (matter-of-fact, I never did).  I probably needed someone to fill the void of being so alone in a place that is foreign to me, and being obsessed about knowing and understanding him was the basis of all the turmoil.

No se si lo que siento es real.  Siento que tengo que tenerte para hacerme feliz.  Quiero mostrarte tanto, tanto de lo que veo y siento.  Pero poco a poco te vas escapando.  Poco a poco no siento lo mismo que sentia cuando primera vez te conoci.  Ya no siento, como la primera vez que me mostraste tu cicatriz de tu accidente, o esa vez que espere pacientemente mientras cocinabas.  Extrano las emociones.  Te extrano tanto, y estoy segura que si te veo y si te hablo de nuevo, vuelvo a creer que me vas a querer.  Pero todo fue una ilusion mia.  No puedo hacer nada mas que tratar de olvidarte.  Pero es tan dificil.

“I’ve tried and I’ve tried to get you out of my mind.
But it don’t get no better as each day goes by.”
Rihanna- PS. I’m still not over you.